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as it is the most useful
I remember perusing "He's Just Not That Into You" my freshman year of college (in '05) and immediately hating it. It was very disconcerting to see my friends attempt to get over break-ups and rejection with it, I thought the advice (and tone) was completely ridiculous.
I think it's silly to define human behavior based solely on gender (men do this, women do that) and such classifications only isolate and hurt people.
I think you are missing the point of the book. Maybe he gives advice but it is really all based on the premise that people are too willing to settle and that less time should be wasted on people who are unavailable/jerks/etc. I think the author is really trying to tell you that you deserve someone who actually treats you well and who actually shows he cares. I don't see what is so wrong about that...?
I don't think that is an anti-feminist message either. Should women not be treated like we deserve to be treated? Many of my girlfriends have found it to be very empowering.
If you think this is too long, please feel free to remove it. Thanks for the discussion.
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1/1/09 - A thought formulated itself in my mind today, fed by multiple little observations that I'd always suppressed because they went against the common grain. The thought is this:
WOMEN ENJOY PURSUING AS MUCH AS MEN DO.
We're told over and over again not to do it: in Christian books, in relationship books, by family and friends and acquaintances. Books like The Rules tell us that "Biologically, he's the aggressor," while Jay McInerny says, "Men are predators, which means they prefer to pursue rather than be pursued." These sources invoke a pseudo-biological reason for why men should pursue while women should just sit still and respond: because it's NATURE. Well, bullshit. Females of other species don't just sit there and expect males to provide. THEY are the providers. Look at lions and bears and birds. Females are the hunters, the predators. It's in our nature, all right!
I hate when books and people say, "But you women are LUCKY, because if you let the men pursue, you can just sit back and relax." Bullshit to that, too. Tell men to do that, and see how much they like it. No one likes to sit around passively. We were born and made for action. It is cruel to tell half the species that they can't pursue what they want; that they must wait for the other half of the species to initiate. How can anyone "relax" in such circumstances?
I think this is the same as all other historical examples of men suppressing women. Trying to keep women out of the workforce, because they supposedly don't have the brains. Trying to force wives to submit to husbands, because that's supposedly what God wants. Now - trying to keep women from pursuing, because in nature males supposedly do the pursuing. Anyone can see the utter inanity in these arguments.
Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider might respond, "Well, we're telling women not to pursue because it doesn't work." In other words, they invoke a practical reason. But I think this argument may fall to the wayside in time. After all, 50 years ago, women professors might have heard, "Don't strive to become Department Chair because it doesn't work." And indeed, 50 years ago it was nearly impossible, because of male resistance. But today, many female department chairs exist.
Women can and should do anything we want. We should be wary any time others try to limit us based on our sex. Thankfully, it's un-PC today to say that girls can't do math - but we still hear that women shouldn't pursue. I hope all such false sexual dichotomies will fall away in the near future. "In nature," after all, females don't limit themselves in any way. They live their lives to the fullest.
Anyway, with that said I just have to slightly disagree with your post. I think the main purpose of this book was really to help the desperate woman. Yes, desperate. I know that is not you or me (although I was at one time) but there are women out there so desperate for a man that they complete push them away by allowing no chase. And men do love the chase. I have hoards of male friends that could tell you that. Obviously I don't agree with all of the points, but I can tell you from very much personal experience that balancing the ideas in this book and your more "feminist" ideas results in some very desirable experiences. Try it for fun sometime... you will be surprised.
It is when there is oppresion coming from aliances as that this bitch foments that the problem in society starts. Inequality, racism and injustice starts in blogs like this. The whole idea of irresponsible sex and not being responsible with your actions. Example one: Being kicked out of an ivy league school and almost flauntly writing about it, initself is an act of conservative defiance given the reason that this action was taken against this girl. Furthermore, the mere existance of such a blog like this and such a racial aliance in which the undisputed act of sex goes uncontested; the fact that such promiscuity can exist is in itself reason to act upon it. There are people that having kids and lives that are being cut short for no reason, why should this bitch get to live any longer?
Why should you get to fucking write any further then my word and my story has been stopped by people like you. You don't help, you are exactly the new frontier of modernized conservatism transformed into a some sort of morphed masked liberal front.
Previously you asked me to make definition of terminology as if I am a high schooler, I don't have to explain myself to you bitch. You have a lot of fucking explaining to me and you are going to the example that I am going to leave behind, for a lot of reasons that I understand and I still don't understand I will find out about how to articulate well enough. Once I do and once I reach certain goals, I will make time for you.
Leave no doubt about that.
You fucking worthless piece of shit whore.
I'm glad someone finally came out and said this. Thank you! If I hear one more guy friend espouse the Mystery Method, I'm going to punch him. When, exactly, did this all become so ridiculous?
There are those of us on the shy and oblivious side of the male gender who actually appreciate it when a woman lets us know how she feels in definite terms. Usually, we get mistaken for being gay.
now every time I have to explain to someone why I wouldn't see the movie even if I was paid to do so, and how much I hated the book for its patronizing tone and blatant sexism, I'll just email them a link to your post.
I enjoyed your post. I haven't read the book, and now I don't know if I want to. In terms of who the "experts" are, I agree with you that therapists or counselors are more helpful than the self-proclaimed "experts," but I also think that when it comes to relationship advice, often the best people to ask are your friends. They know you the best, and have watched you go through relationships and know what mistakes you're prone to make sometimes better than you do. Have you read Daniel Bergner's article in the NYTimes magazine on what women want? It discusses gender roles and the concept of giver and receiver, you might like it. Obviously The Rules and the idea that a woman has to be an "unavailable frigid bitch" is just stupid. Are you going to see the movie?
Because the fact of the matter is: there are no experts. Shrinks? You have to be kidding me. Most of psychology is non-falsifiable piffle, and most psychologists are barely emotionally aware dimwits. I'd be better off asking my grandmother for advice. At least she has a proven track record. Then again, I didn't go to Harvard, and so I don't have your peculiar folkways.