Lena, a few comments here (please take any advice in the spirit of helping, not criticizing or pointing the finger):
1. It would be helpful for you not to see the world so much in black and white. You seem to believe that the only two options are to lead a very public life or to "disappear." Most of us live in-between. We choose not to reveal everything about our lives to perfect strangers, yet we're also not hermits. You will find that it is a lifelong struggle to determine just how much you can reveal to others, and who is sufficiently trustworthy that you can bare your thoughts and feelings. My own experiences have taught me that it is better to hold back; to reveal my deepest concerns and thoughts only to long-time trusted family and friends.
2. It is natural for you to feel trepidation about re-entering Harvard as a student. That is one brutal place, to put it frankly. I graduated from there long ago, and every time I revisit, there is tension in the air that is thick enough to cut with a knife. How we all survived is a mystery. The only advice I can give you is to put your chin up, keep a stiff upper lip, and remember that you only have two more terms to go. Then whatever you do afterwards almost certainly will be less brutal - which does not mean "less prestigious" or "less rewarding." Just less of a pain in the neck, to put it frankly.
3. I don't think it is a bad thing that you learned that you can't trust everyone. Everyone has to learn this at one point or another in his/her life, and it is always cruel when it does happen. But you pick yourself up (as you have done), learn whom you CAN trust, and go on with your life. It doesn't mean you have to be cynical about everyone or everything.
Best wishes for your new year!
Lena
· 5 months ago
Thanks for writing this (and I wouldn't consider any of it even close to criticism, by the way). Part of the reason why this blog was such a great experience is because I learned that a lot of people -- many of them who once felt similarly disenchanted by Harvard -- could understand where I was coming from. That made me feel a lot less crazy for not immediately loving the school.
To clarify, when I wrote that I wanted to disappear, I meant to disappear from the web, not entirely. As for cynicism, I don't know if it's cynical or just realistic to anticipate criticism in response to what I write. Though ultimately, it's not criticism that bothers me, because dissenting opinions are to be expected. I'm more concerned about the active efforts on the part of strangers to intrude on my life and to make things difficult for me, my friends, and my boyfriend (all of whom have fielded various violations in privacy over the past couple years, including the publication of things like their cell phone numbers).
I hope none of the above happens again, but I'm not convinced that the upcoming school year will be smooth sailing. Here's to hoping.
josephmiller
· 5 months ago
Lena, I really appreciate your honesty and self-reflection, something that most people do not have the fortitude to engage in. You have paid an awful price for this, it is clear. But, from this post, it is also clear that you continue to be strong --- perhaps even stronger. Do not be dissuaded by the weak-minded who live in fear of who they really are.
All the best to you in your return to classes this fall --- and continue to find happiness in your private life and moments.
Cindy Loo
· 5 months ago
I hate to be Captain Obvious, but all of your problems, were brought on by yourself. Harvard is where the best and the brightest students in the world go to school, and yet, your decisions over your time there have shown you lack the common sense that even a community college dropout would know. DON'T MAKE YOUR PERSONAL SEX LIFE PUBLIC!!!!!
You managed to get into Harvard, but didn't have the common sense to not write a blog about your sexual escapades at Harvard? What exactly was the kind of feedback you were looking for? You couldn't have imagined that it would be positive right? I guess not. College is the absolute worse time to make private details of your sex life public. In a bubble with individuals as cut throat and competitive as Harvard, that was probably the dumbest decision a person could ever make, if you didn't want to face people gossiping and making fun of you.
If you would have waited until after you were out of college to write a sex blog, it might have been a smarter decision and would show you actually have an ounce of common sense and good judgement. Life is full of decisions, and you are suffering the consequences of making a hugely idiotic one.
Why do ordinary people insist on having personal blogs for the world to see? Is it because of a chaotic childhood where they didn't get attention? Were they abandoned by a parent and never felt loved? Normal, rational people, don't feel the need to be document their lives for the world to see. More than likely, people who do have personal blogs never got any attention growing up from their peers or their parents and family and thus feel the need to make their private life public. It makes no sense.
Lena
· 5 months ago
Unless you're a psychologist, I think you should chill with the analyzing. People keep blogs for different reasons and in my case, it was because I needed an outlet for the writing I wasn't doing at Harvard (which has a creative writing program about the size of my footprint).
As for Harvard kids, I suppose one might be able to predict a not entirely positive reaction but like you said, at a place like Harvard where the best and brightest go, you expect for individuals to treat each other with a modicum of respect. Certainly, even if they have critical opinions to express, you'd think they'd be constructive about it. People have a choice in what they do and in this case, many people decided to act cruelly, not because they were provoked by my oh-so-salacious writing, but because they lacked compassion and maturity.
collection
· 5 months ago
"...an outlet for the writing I wasn't doing at Harvard (which has a creative writing program about the size of my footprint)."
Right, because "I lowered my mouth over his cock and slid my lips over his shaft easily" is in the same boat as the Song of Solomon. Because describing a drunkenly forgotten condom in your puss is just as gripping as the Steinbeck's Turtle Allegory.
Either you believe your transparent rationalizations or you don't. If you do, then you're stupid. If you don't then you think WE'RE stupid.
Lena
· 5 months ago
How convenient that you choose to focus on my writing about sexual acts (easy to criticize given the expected ignorance of your typical flamer) and ignore the great majority of my blog, which provoked the biggest reader responses when I was writing about depression, not sex.
If you'd like to have a conversation about this in person, I'd be more than happy to.
Thomas M
· 5 months ago
> Why do ordinary people insist on having personal blogs for the world to see?
If you don't know why someone would write a blog then why would you be reading one?
Sadly, timings of Lena's writings make little difference, if people wanted to brand her in a stereotypical way they would anyway. Rumour vs Actual fact make very little difference, the fact that she was openly writing about it makes little difference.
I'm sure we all know a girl who has slept with <Insert number here> number of men, would her writing about it have made any difference to the way that people chose to judge her. I seriously doubt it. Insecure people will always cast judgement whether based on actual fact or not.
Tanya
· 5 months ago
Idiotic reply. Lena represents everything that is wrong with society, especially with girls currently. They all have "Paris Hilton syndrome" where they all want to be famous for doing nothing. There can only be one waste of life like her. That is enough. Instead, you have millions of girls being sluts and sleeping around because they think they are somehow being "strong women" or are breaking out of perceived sexual repression or some other bullshit excuse. Give up the bullshit of trying to rationalize acting like a slut.
There has never been a time in history where girls are more morally disgusting as they are now. One of the main culprits is all of the moronic girls who think that the way that the middle age whores on Sex and the City acted is how they should live their lives. Give me a fucking break. Shows like The Hills, The City, Gossip Girl, etc all make girls think that acting like whores makes them cool and desirable. How pathetic.
Talentless scum like Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, whatever other whore who has a sex tape and increases their infamy feeds into this in stupidity. Girls are just plain dumb for buying into all of this filth. I have no sympathy for any of the backlash they have to face.
Try to find some class and represent yourself and your family in a positive manner. You will live a much happier life.
Zoe
· 5 months ago
The fact that you equate Lena with Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, not to mention thinking you actually have class, shows how clueless you really are. Go back to Jesus.
Thomas M
· 5 months ago
@Tanya: Unfortunate. You just let your emotions show through your flame there. I'd be willing to bet your opinion is tainted by one of your "strong women" who just broke your heart either by stealing your boyfriend or you actually are a boy who just got dumped by a "strong woman".
Anger is a natural part of the healing process but lashing out at others isn't a desirable trait either.. Good Luck with the healing process.
Nancy
· 5 months ago
I completely agree with Zoe (below). How dare you equate Lena with Paris Hilton? Plus, how is the frequency of Lena's sleeping around any less moral than the very high probability that those guys she was sleeping with are doing so just as frequently?
Meems
· 5 months ago
(This is actually directed at Tanya, but for some reason Disqus won't let me reply directly to her comment.)
girls are [...] morally disgusting [who] think that acting like whores makes them cool and desirable.
Typical moralizing, judgmental cattiness. How original. It feels pat to reiterate the inconsistency in our culture in that men are allowed to not only be promiscuous, but are praised when the talk about it, while women are supposed to be virginal until marriage and never enjoy sex. Sexuality is not immoral, nor is it causing any cultural or societal downfall. The demonization of sexuality, specifically women's sexuality, is also a product of Medieval Christianity that has been absorbed into modern American culture - you don't see priggishness like this in most of Europe.
Barbara
· 5 months ago
You are a wrong and I am glad you realize it. If Lena sleeping around like a slut and posting her exploits was a desirable thing, then why does she have so much regret about doing it? Why won't she ever be able to get a good job despite being educated at Harvard? Why is she an outcast at Harvard: A person that is openly mocked and ridiculed? Why is her life in shambles and she suffers from depression?
You can try to play the role of strong feminist and take the idiotic point of view that if men can sleep around women can do the same thing. You are just going to ruin your own life. Here on the planet Earth (why don't you try living on it) women who act like sluts are going to have to face the consequences. If you want to move to a different planet and setup your own society where women can spread their legs and get on their knees for any guy then go ahead.
You have to live in reality, not some fantasy world where women who are dirty sluts won't have to face any reprecussions. You aren't the first and you won't be the last person who will be an advocate for this revolting behavior. That is what is unfortunate. Some people are so damn dumb they will continue to be hard headed and continue to bang their head against their wall trying to prove their point at all costs. It doesn't matter if it ruins their lives. They would rather have that happen then live their life in a positive way.
Meems
· 5 months ago
You sound like an absolutely lovely individual! I'm so glad I don't know you personally!
I feel that I must start by correcting you on one glaring misstatement: being a feminist is not a role. I don't have to play at anything when I say that I believe men and women shouldn't be held to different standards in any aspect of our lives. This includes our sexuality.
I find it fascinating that people assume that their own personal frame of reference is always true and applies to all people. The fact that you use the word "slut" so many times shows how deeply you've been indoctrinated by the cultural demonization of female sexuality. The "mocking and ridicule" aren't direct results of Lena's behavior, but rather a result of the meaning we attach to behavior seen as deviant. Your assumptions are, frankly, ridiculous. Lena will never be able to get a job? Are you clairvoyant? I didn't realize that we had such a prophet in our midst. By her own description, Lena's life is also certainly not in shambles. Students do poorly and take time off from college for a variety of reasons, but Lena seems to have things together, and returning to school in the fall seems a good indication that she's on a fairly healthy path.
It's very interesting that your descriptions of female, sexuality are either submissive or passive ("spread their legs" "get on their knees"), which denies female agency within sexual relationships. Your writing gives away more about your view of sex than you probably intended.
Regardless, I in fact do live both on Earth and in reality, and I'm quite happy with both. It's unfortunate that your reality tells you that women who "sleep around" are sluts while tacitly approving the same behavior in men. Sex and sexuality are individual choices and shouldn't be subject to male/female divergence.
By the way, I'm "a wrong"? I'm afraid I'm unfamiliar with that term. I'm also not entirely sure what you think I realize, since your incoherence is somewhat mind-boggling. Am I supposed realize that I'm "a wrong" - because it's hard for me to acknowledge being something that I'm unfamiliar with. If you mean that you think that I realize that I'm in the wrong, then you are quite mistaken in that delusion.
Lena
· 5 months ago
I think this is the type of situation where certain beliefs are so deeply ingrained that they are accepted as facts, not ideas that were formed under the influence of a patriarchal society. It's unfortunate that we only have a comments section in which to engage in debate. A more effective way to change people's minds about these things is to talk to them in person, but I highly doubt Barbara or any of the JuicyCampus/AutoAdmit/etc. members are willing to discuss their views face-to-face with us.
Barbara
· 5 months ago
LMFAO! Excuse me for adding an extra "a" where it wasn't intended to be. Please excuse this catastrophic mistake on my part. You should be a professional editor. You are quite skilled at this pertinent skill. Hahaahaha. Now, on to the actual discussion at hand whore.
"It's very interesting that your descriptions of female, sexuality are either submissive or passive ("spread their legs" "get on their knees"), which denies female agency within sexual relationships."
What is female, sexuality? I have heard of female sexuality, but I have never heard of female, sexuality. Wow. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. You are a loser. Hahaha.
By your repeated use of "agency" it is clear that you are some feminist butch loser who takes Women's studies classes or sociology classes and thinks that gives you the abilty to talk about this subject with a sense of unfounded superiority. Just because your little class agrees with you doesn't mean jack shit in the real world.
By the way, how is the gay marriage struggle going with the Obama administration? Hahaha. Never in a million years........
Lena
· 5 months ago
That last comment almost makes me think you're just a troll, and I truly hope that's the case. If you're not a troll, however, then why don't we set up a Skype conference so we can actually discuss these things in greater depth and in a manner that is far more productive? If you're in Boston, New York, or LA, I'd be happy to meet up in person. I'll even buy the coffee.
Thomas M
· 5 months ago
Have you considered a "don't feed the trolls" comment moderation policy Lena?
It is your blog & you can choose to evict blatant trolls or those who choose to post only to personally insult you whilst still retaining negative inflection comments that actually have good points to make.
Lena
· 5 months ago
I try my best to distinguish between trolls and those whose opinions merely differ from my own, but sometimes it's hard to tell. Usually, I play it safe because I don't like censorship, but there are some people who will literally comment on every entry with the same ridiculous line -- and it just doesn't contribute to the conversation. Most of the time, I leave things up unless they're blatantly racist, sexist, etc. I also remove comments if they include personal details like contact information.
Meems
· 5 months ago
Actually, I've never taken a women's studies class in my life. Not especially interested.
But this isn't really about me, is it?
I'm with Lena - let's have this discussion face to face.
lolololololzer
· 5 months ago
So the stupidity is all natural, Miriam?
ea
· 2 weeks ago
Wow, reading your comments make me incredibly glad that I don't know you in real life. Not only are you incredibly misguided on what feminism really is but you are also homophobic. If you don't believe that you are afraid of homosexuals, then you must be highly prejudiced and that is very disheartening.
Thomas M
· 5 months ago
So much prejudice...
Who are you ("you" in the general sense) to enforce how other women may or may not behave?
You clearly have strong beliefs around these issues and for that I applaud you: It's great that you've chosen to live celibate until marriage (otherwise, don't kid yourself, you are a hypocrite). However the "correct" path you have chosen and the "correct" path other people may choose are not one and the same. Kindly respect other individuals who have chosen to do whatever they want within the law.
Really, though?
· 1 week ago
Cindy Loo, who the hell are YOU to be making these idiotic comments but criticizing Lena for her "stupidity"? Since the "best and the brightest" go to Harvard I would hope they'd be more open minded about things like this. Especially in college! People have sex, get over it.
Really, though?
· 1 week ago
Also, people might decide to have blogs because they're talented and want to share that talent, or they want to express themselves. It doesn't have to be because they didn't get attention...what kind of analysis is that?
Zoe
· 5 months ago
I'd always wondered whether the comments took a heavy emotional toll on you, because you did seem so strong. They certainly did on me, and I didn't have it an eighth as bad as you. I think your defiance probably goaded the cruelty even more. I actually learned a lot from your mistakes, since I started my blog as yours was winding down. If it's any consolation, I think it's because of your experiences that I learned how to shield myself to some degree.
Is it possible to ever really disappear, though? Won't part of you never want to disappear because you want that high to come back? I have to admit, even though part of the high for me was certainly the boost in creative energy, part of it was also the satisfaction of pushing buttons, fucking shit up.
I hope you don't remain suspicious and cynical, but even if you do, I hope you are as happy as you can be. Given all that's happened, I think it's remarkable you've emerged as sane, chill, and fun-spirited as you are.
Lena
· 5 months ago
I don't think my high was much related to fucking shit up, though it was helpful on a personal level to get emails from alums who had felt similarly disenchanted during their Harvard years. I was surprised by the attention, but primarily surprised by the sheer amount I could write, partially because I was desperately unhappy with my living situation/social life as a sophomore. I don't think I thought I was making THAT much of a statement, and it wasn't until the flaming became really bad, that I realized the extent of people's prejudices and the relevance of what I was doing.
I should clarify that I don't intend on disappearing, but I do have passing thoughts about it, and I've been happiest outside of the spotlight. This isn't because I can't deal with criticism, but because I find personal attacks and flagrant displays of misogyny/sexism incredibly disturbing.
collection
· 5 months ago
But Zoe, you aren't being terribly ingenuous here. Why didn't you have the courage to offer Lena some realistic advice?
Fact: The moment you realized you were gonna need a real job, you nuked your own blowjob blog (zoehassex). You had enough knowledge of the real world (and confidence in yourself) to say, simply, "I fucked up."
If you hadn't done this, you wouldn't be at McKinsey today. You'd be clad in a pair of semen-soaked Spanx, doling out handjobs to a very different class of "clients."
Contrast your realistic behavior with Lena's. Unable to admit that SATI was a fuckup of HUGE caliber, she keeps shoveling the rationalizations and swimming thru denial.
Lena
· 5 months ago
Sorry, I don't buy the "asking for it" rationale because it completely ignores individual agency. People -- in this case readers/commenters/flamers/trolls/whatever -- have a choice. It's not like I shoved my opinions down their throats and waited for a response. No one has to be an asshole about it unless they are, in fact, assholes. My website wasn't the fuck-up; it was these people's upbringings.
collection
· 5 months ago
Spoken like a true C-minus sociology student. The fact that people freely choose to mock your exhibitionism doesn't mean you shouldn't have forseen it, and known better. You could have avoided a lot of collateral damage that way.
Lena
· 5 months ago
Trust me, I foresaw the mocking. It was the whole "we're going to try to ruin your life" stuff I couldn't quite predict.
Zoe
· 5 months ago
Actually, I didn't fuck up at all. Writing Zoehassex was one of the most valuable experiences of my life, and I don't regret it. I actually kind of miss it.
A year ago, when I started at my job, I didn't know what I was going to do with my life and thought it best to keep my options open. Now that I know I'm not going to stay in finance, it doesn't even matter. Also, my company does pretty extensive background checks, and either found nothing or didn't care.
I don't believe for a second I'd end up where you described. You know nothing about me or about the world, for that matter. In fact, it's funny that Autoadmit losers like yourself keep talking about how sluts like me and Lena are never going to get a job, when we are both gainfully employed with respectable companies. I think you need to check your facts - it was Autoadmit's cofounder, Anthony Ciolli, who had his job offer rescinded for doing something that was actually morally reprehensible: facilitating misogyny, racism, and malicious attacks on innocent people.
jimmyden
· 5 months ago
Right. You thought we all forgot about your talking about your need to "go underground" for awhile. You must have an industrial-strength clothespin on your nose, what with all the bullshit you're shoveling here. "Just getting bored." LOL
Hmm...your last paragraph betrays a lack of reading skills. No one ever said you wouldn't get a job. I guess it's just a coincidence that your blog about your Vietnamese hooker fantasies kinda, um, vanished right when you got the job. A coincidence, that's it. Yeah. Whatev. Keep on shoveling sweetie, but don't think you've got anyone fooled...
Zoe
· 4 months ago
"No one ever said you wouldn't get a job."
"If you hadn't done this, you wouldn't be at McKinsey today. You'd be clad in a pair of semen-soaked Spanx, doling out handjobs to a very different class of "clients."
I have poor reading skills?
Obviously, it wasn't a coincidence. I said as much above, but we've already established you're the one with poor reading skills. Just a matter curiosity - did you strike out with a girl or with a company?
volcanoes
· 5 months ago
Lena- I'd wager that many (if not most) of your critics and hateful commenters are just intrigued by or even jealous of you, your honesty, your ability to succeed as a person while still being interesting, your Harvard education...a whole slew of things likely unrelated to the person you actually are. When I first came across Sex and the Ivy, I was a critic (silently; I never left comments) - yet I continued to read your blog and found that you had quite a few insightful things to say. I would never write about my personal life in such detail, and at first was - for lack of a better word - jealous that yours attracted so much attention, when in fact I think your experiences were more or less average (and I don't mean that in a bad way - I mean I think lots of people can relate!). As a fellow Ivy Leaguer, it was fun to read about another girl's sexcapades, and it's also been fun reading about your developing relationship with Patrick. I went a similar route (promiscuity to hardcore commitment), so I appreciated your honesty and openness; few of my friends had the same relationship experiences as me, and hearing that you had similar ones was comforting. I guess what I want to tell you is: as hard as it may be, please don't take these comments to heart. Everyone has their critics, and while you were putting yourself out there, no one "deserves" anything. Unfortunately, the world is full of cruel people, and it's good you discovered it sooner rather than later. I hope you continue to write, and that you find a good balance between the public & private.
Lena
· 5 months ago
You make a good point which has been a recurring theme in the rhetoric of my detractors. Most people don't think my love or sex life is worth of any sort of attention or press, and I would concur that it's not more interesting than any other college girl's. The fact that SATI, for one reason or another (because of the Harvard name perhaps), got plenty of traffic really bothered those who thought I was just another famewhore slutting it up Tila Tequila-style when in actuality, I was primarily grateful for my ability to churn out so much writing, an ability I had considered dead and gone after my freshman year of college. It was never about fame because I wouldn't have written the blog if I believed what I was writing was crap. I have too much pride for that. (And that's also why I've yet to write a book, because I just don't think what I CAN produce right now is good enough.)
And another explanation I've come up with for all the vitriol: I think people like taking Ivy League kids down a notch, and I can understand that given all the entitlement I witnessed at Harvard. Most of my biggest detractors assumed I came from a similarly privileged background, when my parents are actually immigrants who struggled and still struggle to support large families. The funny thing is that a lot of this criticism was of me leading a seemingly glamorous/wealthy existence when in actuality, I had to work my ass off every term to have the same lifestyle as my college friends. And of course, when I wrote about partying, shopping, going out, people assumed my money was coming from my parents.
jimmyden
· 5 months ago
Funny. None of the immigrant children I knew could blow off 18 months of school, jetset back-and-forth to Germany, and tap out a blog about stuffing their faces with food, stuffing their pussies with dicks, and stuffing their bags with clothes. Every time we see one of those "Anatomy of an Outfit" postings, we see how it exposes the lies in your pleadings of poverty. Common sense.
Rei
· 5 months ago
Hi Lena, I would simply like to say that I know you have already been very very strong and resolute in light of all this scrutiny, criticism, and judgement that lesser people have thrown at you, but I believe you are (still) capable of being even stronger. It's endearing to see a softer side of you, yet at the same time, even as a stranger, I wish you could believe in yourself even more than you do now...there are people out there who already (and still) do. You're awesome and you deserve to believe nothing less. Courage is not the absence of fear, right? And it's these hardships you face that make us all realize once again just how capable you are of showing amazing strength.
Thomas M
· 5 months ago
Lena,
The internet has proved that people, given a psuedo-anonymous comment box, cannot be trusted to not act like jerks. You only have to look at the comments section of almost any YouTube video ever to verify that completely unjustified hate is universal.
Not everyone writes about the subjects you have covered precisely for a reason that it does leave the individual open to the sorts of hate that you see (That was a statement, I still consider it unjustified and unacceptable) but that doesn't mean that it isn't important for _someone_ to do it. You may or may not have had a few emails of solidarity, of thanks for sharing your own dilemmas which make it all worthwhile. Those who dare to challenge the norms in any society pay the price of ridicule, you only have to look back through history at the struggles of various social groups.
Whilst I said that it is important for _someone_ to cover the issues that noone else will talk about, that doesn't mean it has to be you. It is equally as important for you to find your own balance between keeping your head down or sticking it up above the parapet depending upon what it means to your own life at that point in time. I'm glad that you're happy again and whatever you do, it's important to remember that whilst you may have witnessed a lot of hate-filled comments you should take strength from the Silent Majority who have enjoyed and benefited from the open frankness in all your postings.
May your happiness continue to exist in the balance!
Lena
· 5 months ago
You're definitely right about YouTube comments, which are pretty disheartening for both their lack of coherence and utter hatefulness. It was probably very naive to think that an educated audience wouldn't be prone to do the same, but I guess I like to hold people to the expectations I have for my friends, family, and myself.
Sex Toys
· 5 months ago
Hi - I too hope you find happiness. Don't feel too disappointed with the way things have turned out as everything happens for a reason I believe. Unfortunately a lot of people get hung up with sex, doing it, not doing it, talking about it....even worse talking about having done it!!! Anyone would think it was a banned activity - humanity would have had a very short existence if sex had never happened! People are duplicitous generally thinking about it and then getting screwed up because they aren't happy with what they believe is what they should have - too much, too little, if he did this, or she did that if only.... Good luck to you - don't take things too hard and don't believe good in everyone as you'll soon be disappointed!
sextoyscanada
· 5 months ago
Hi - I too hope you find happiness. Don't feel too disappointed with the way things have turned out as everything happens for a reason I believe. Unfortunately a lot of people get hung up with sex, doing it, not doing it, talking about it....even worse talking about having done it!!! Anyone would think it was a banned activity - humanity would have had a very short existence if sex had never happened! People are duplicitous generally thinking about it and then getting screwed up because they aren't happy with what they believe is what they should have - too much, too little, if he did this, or she did that if only.... Good luck to you - don't take things too hard and don't believe good in everyone as you'll soon be disappointed!
Pwnsive
· 5 months ago
Lena,
I'm not a fan of yours, and I've posted nasty comments on your blog before. Now I regret having doing so, not having been aware of the extent of your pain.
I haven't read enough of your posts to have an informed opinion about you, but any allusion to Sex and the City turns my stomach. I find casual sex to be degrading and the advocates of female promiscuity to be outright enemies of society who must be stopped at all costs. That said, I feel sorry for you. Although it was entirely predictable that you'd suffer the animosity you drew out of the world, that doesn't make it right, and I can't fault you for more than naivete. You didn't expect to inspire such hatred, and you didn't deserve it either.
What you've experienced is human nature. It's not pretty. There's a lot of ambient, bitter hatred for female promiscuity (or the perception thereof) and your blog made you a lightning rod for it. The ambient hatred will never go away, and while it may not be virtuous, it's a bad idea to provoke it by making a blog about your personal sex life. Thousands of people who've never met you began striking at you, not because they knew anything about you personally, but because you had become a surrogate target for the slut/whores they went to college with (people who actually had hurt them, unlike you, but who were out of reach to them). People lashed out at you, quite frankly, because they could.
Sex is just an area of life where you've got to hold your cards close to your chest. A woman who describes her boyfriend's penis (or a man who describes his girlfriend's vagina, with details of tightness and moisture) is going to inspire negative emotions in other people, and the consequences (especially on the Internet, where there are thousands of anonymous assholes with nothing to lose) are often severe. It would be a much better world if no one was bitter/angry about sex and relationships, everyone was getting enough and happy with what they got, and everyone could get along and just have fun... but, unfortunately, it's not like that.
Also, your description of the "high" you get from blogging about your sex life sounds like hypergraphia, a generally mild-- but sometimes embarrassingly public-- mental illness involving a compulsion toward loosely-filtered writing. I have a severe case of it myself. (I'm a well-known internet flame artist.) My advice would be not to write publicly about your personal life in any context if you have this problem; in my experience, it's very difficult to maintain enough control to make this a good idea.
-Pwnsive
Lena
· 5 months ago
Thanks for writing this, if only because it restores -- however, slightly -- my faith in humanity. I've long since learned that the Internet is not a nice place, and I've never expected people to agree with me. I suppose I just didn't think anyone would care enough to take things as far as they did.
To clarify a few things, I think there's a difference between "advocating" promiscuity and recognizing that casual sex is not necessarily a bad thing -- or at the very least, does not lead the the consequences that abstinence advocates claim. I could care less about the decisions other women make about sex (whether they have it or not) but I think it's important that women don't feel like choosing to have sex makes them dirty sluts.
As for the "high" I referred to, I actually don't think it was related to the very public blogging since I'd previously experienced similar phases when my writing was not read by anyone other than a couple friends. The huge creative output at the time (as a result of some personal events) just happened to find a convenient forum.
Thomas M
· 5 months ago
You Sir, have my utmost respect for this comment.
The ability to state an opposing opinion without being dragged into personal judgement is what puts you in a higher commenting class above almost any other commenter so far (positive commenters included).
Meems
· 5 months ago
This is definitely one of the more interesting comments posted on here. I think some trolls and negative commenters really do intend to cause every bit of emotional pain and damage that their words inflict, but it sounds as though others simply comment without realizing that they're writing about a human being who might be genuinely hurt by harsh or degrading commentary. It's easy to become removed from this reality online.
Zoe
· 5 months ago
Interesting. I just hope you are not the person currently spewing crap about me on Autoadmit under the moniker "What pensive would say."
And don't excuse your previous nasty comments with hypergraphia. It's not a disorder that compels hurtful attacks on other people. "Flame artist?" Please.
Meems
· 5 months ago
Lena, I feel lucky that I haven't received the level of hatred and vitriol to which you've been subjected, but the malicious and harassing commentary written about me on AutoAdmit after I (anonymously) defended your choices gives me some sense of what you describe here. It's been a year, and I still haven't gotten rid of all the comments - some calling me fat; others speculating about my sexual proclivities; still more giving out partial contact information on a thread about rape. There was a period during which I thought it might destroy me, emotionally, at least. It was all that came up in a Google search of my (very unusual) name. Most of the site owners were kind enough to remove posts at my requests. One wasn't, so there are still posts up. I truly do understand wanting to disappear from the internet. I actually did take down my personal blog for a while, and when I first put it back up, I found a while new wave of harassing posts. Luckily, by that time I had Jarret Cohen's personal email, and they were taken down quickly. I'm still very careful about what I post, though, because I have no way of knowing if or when he'll get bored again and decided to ridicule me even more.
When I first commented, I thought, like you did, that no one would care about me enough to engage in ongoing, malicious harassment. We were both wrong. People do things on the internet that they would never dare do in real life because they're too scared to. Online, there is no one to police them, and they don't have a human face staring back at them as they destroy someone's sense of self. I'm no psychologist, but it makes me wonder if a lot of these trolls have been abused themselves, and, instead of taking their anger and pain out on a partner or child, they take it out on strangers on the internet. These are people who, at least physically, cannot fight back.
Regardless, there are good people at Harvard who do actually care about you and don't wish you ill. Admittedly, I know more grad students than undergrads (who are mostly very intense in a way fewer grad students are), but many of the ones I do know are good people.
Name
· 5 months ago
F-l-o-o-o-o-o-u-u-u-n-c-e!
ragnus
· 5 months ago
you're just another victim of drugs and alcohol.
check yourself into a rehab
Harvard 2013
· 5 months ago
Hey Lena,
I just stumbled onto your blog last week and let me say first of all, I love your writing! I admire your courage to delve into a subject that's considered taboo by much of society. Whether casual sex is ultimately beneficial or harmful...I don't know yet, and it's definitely not my place to judge what other people do. Regardless, it is quite fun to read about. Also it's comforting to know that there is definitely a dating scene at Harvard!
In fact I'm going to be a freshman there in a month, and I was wondering if you could offer any advice about life there. In this post and the comments, I feel like it's described as a really brutal and competitive place, so I'm curious to hear your take. If you have any words of wisdom with respect to the social scene, maybe things you would say to yourself as an 18 year old, I would love to hear them. Thank you so much!
Josh
· 5 months ago
Lena, I think your writing is excellent and I am glad that you have chosen to advocate liberal views regarding sex. I am also glad that you do not buy into the elitism of a place like Harvard, even as you continue to attend. The folks who attend Ivies are just good at playing a game, and oftentimes don't even realize that the deck has been stacked in their favor. It's self-perpetuating power. I am happy for you, though, because of your clarity and sense of purpose. No offense to McKinsey or folks who work there, but I hope you will find a path that is more rewarding for you...and for us.
As far as comments are concerned, I am saddened by many of the things I have read here. As someone who also has suffered from depression and lonliness, my heart breaks for the pain you have felt--and it is overjoyed at your present happiness. As someone who wrote a handful of angry IMs to you...not about your writing or your blogs, but about wanting to make a new friend and communicate more often...I am truly apologetic. Depression and lonliness make one angry, and when no one seems to understand, the anger just bursts. But all in all, I think that you are a stronger and more insightful person for what you have been through...and I think the same of me.
Best wishes and I know you'll get through all the BS and leave the detractors by the roadside.
Lena
· 5 months ago
I'm saddened too, because I didn't realize the world was full of so much hostility. I'm less concerned about personal attacks on my character and more worried about the generally backward viewpoints these people and AutoAdmit users have expressed in regard to race, gender, and sexuality. Being called a slut is rather insignificant in comparison to the seemingly insurmountable prejudices present in society -- even among the supposedly educated.
JosephReads
· 5 months ago
I think you should have gone to Brown. I doubt lil' Rhody would have been so critical.
J
· 5 months ago
Hi Lena,
At this point it's too late to take back what's already happened--don't waste your time thinking about those who with no substance, only negativity. I admire your willingness to share openly & eloquently. Your life is your life--live it the way you want to. Just do what makes you feel alive & happy...
Gid
· 5 months ago
Hey Lena,
I've actually never read your blog - I was just pointed to this entry by a friend. My uncle, Justin Hall,* went to Swarthmore in the mid-90s when the Internet was just getting started, and had a personal website on which he did things like, well, tell detailed stories about his sex life (and the personal lives of everyone in his family, to their great dismay). Listening to him talk about the responses he received - individual, professional, and societal - is harrowing. But although he discontinued his blog about five years ago, he still talks about it as one of the most rewarding things he's ever done. All of which is just to say that I'm sorry for what people have put you through, but that I hope you'll come to look back on it the same way that Justin does - as something that was ultimately rewarding and invaluably educational, even if the lessons learned were not always pleasant ones.
It's tough to comment here in the face of all these hateful comments, but I realize I should speak up and let you know how much I appreciate your writing, and how much I relate to a lot of what you say in this post. It makes me incredibly sad when I realize that we live in a world where far too many people think it's "common sense" for women not to talk about sex, and that it's not "normal" to write about your life, and that there are "consequences" for being sexual.
Just know that some of us think you are fucking awesome. Don't keep writing for those of us who think you rock; take care of yourself, as that is what's most important. But know we're out here, fighting the haterade too.
elliusbellius
· 4 months ago
Though I don't agree with everything you say and write, I find the voice in your words to be refreshingly beautiful. It's honest in the way that most people want to be and it's couragous despite the extremities of your situation. I applaud you for (more or less) consistantly documenting your tumultuous life. The way you express yourself is inspiring and I hope you continue to move forward. I've been reading your blog since the very beginning and despite being somewhat of a critic to your lifestyle, it has been interesting watching your transformation. I do wish you the best of luck and I hope you keep writing. :)
other elle
· 4 months ago
Lena, I found your blog this past fall and follow you on the Ch!cktionary. I read the entire thing in days. I think you are a wonderful, inspirational girl. There is an obvious light in you. I am in a similar place in my life and even though we have almost nothing in common but I never once felt like I couldn't relate to a thing you've said. I think it's important that you don't take the hateful comments to heart, because regardless of what you say, someone is not going to like it. The internet provides a blanket of anonymity that cowards will take advantage of.
It's cliche, but you cant please 100% of the people 100% of the time. Do what you need to do for yourself.
Lena
· 4 months ago
Thank you -- I'm glad what I wrote resonated in some way. I must admit that I feel light years away from my 19- or 20-year-old self now (the one who did most of the blogging on this site) but having this online chronicle of my college years is priceless, even with all the bullshit that comes with it.
leeern
· 4 months ago
*hugs* from a stranger. I don't know you personally but I just wanna hug you for what you've been through. Life is never easy.
Emily P
· 4 months ago
I'm so sorry to hear about how terribly your beautiful writing has affected your life. I actually remember a year or so back you gave me the confidence to become the sex columnist at William and Mary. Sadly, like you, I found out the backlash can be severe. I think the letters to the parents are the worst. In the end I'm glad that I did it, and I hope you are too. You're a much more expressive and entertaining writer than I could be on the subject, and your strength should be applauded. Most people have no idea how horrible it is to be hated by a faceless mass, where you feel unable to defend yourself. I'm pretty sure my hate group is still up on Facebook, even though I've graduated. Don't let them stifle your jeu de vivre!
Elisa
· 4 months ago
Hi Lena, I just started reading your blog, although I'd been hearing about it for years. I want to thank you so much for creating & maintaining this blog and hope you will continue to do so and that its readership will expand. Even its very existence is serving an extraordinarily valuable purpose, especially in the sexually conservative societies (the US being high on that list) that we all live in. I hope people will learn to appreciate their sexualities healthily, that "promiscuity" is just as acceptable as lifetime monogamy so long as they are respectful, honest decisions; that gender-unequal words like "slut" or "nympho" (sorry, I know you used it in your title) disappear or are used only jokingly and for both sexes; that sex stops being a way for us to demonstrate our personal worth, whether it be saving ourselves like commodities for someone or using it in "conquest" to fulfill emotional insecurities, but rather that it is a complex expression and fulfillment of our emotional and physical selves. Anyway, I should go back to reading a few more of your posts, and I look forward to the updates and any books that you may end up writing. All the best to you & take care! Best, Elisa
Lena
· 4 months ago
Thanks Elisa!
Sara Davidson
· 4 months ago
Lena,
Wow, I just found your blog, and wow. I can't believe the cruelty of some people. I sure disagree with a lot of your choices, but I cannot fathom the kind of person who would come here and attack you so viciously. Those people must have an awful lot of self hatred to direct such vitriol at another person. I wish you luck in rebuilding your life at Harvard, or failing that, getting the hell out of there, and starting a new one.
TheKittyBearChronicles
· 4 months ago
Hang in there darling. Boston can be such a difficult and prudish town. Here's the thing, sex is great, and if that's your interest then good for you, write what you love, emotions, sex, carpet patterns, it's all about what gets you. Besides, it may seem like the end of the world now but there are so many people out there that will accept you 100% for who you are. I have a few friends who are sexologists and teach classes and were mercilessly judged for their interests and occupations but they're laughing now that they're happy and successful. It doesn't matter what other people think, just find the thing that makes you happy and hold onto that. And if you ever need a friend, I'm always around Boston. You should stop by the Savant Project in Mission Hill on Sunday nights, we host sex and drugs trivia and a whole lot of like minded people.
Name
· 4 months ago
Dear Lena,
First, I think if maintaining a blog is therapeutic in some way for you, or if it serves as any kind of outlet, then that is great. I think you are bold in sharing your thoughts and opinions with other people.
I wouldn´t take anything any one has said about you or your actions personally, especially if they do not know you. In our daily lives, we try to give off an image that we think best represents ourselves, or who strive to be, and sometimes certain aspects rub people the wrong way. You might never know why; it could be one of those intangibles. Others project onto us who they think we are, based on their experiences and existing social norms. And we do the same to others. Your true friends would not judge you, and I hope you have at least one of those to provide you with honest feedback. After all, true friends stab you in the front, right?
You have great opportunities at Harvard to pursue your interests and talents, and I would focus on trying to make the most out of those while you can. You get to go to college once. Why not make the best of it?
I wish you the best of luck in the upcoming year.
schizoblockhead
· 3 months ago
What's really disappointing is that people seem to automatically feel to need to attack Lena based on a simple blog post. I'm not saying that your actions agree with my personal morals, but who am I to impose my morality upon your actions?
valeriereilly
· 3 months ago
Poor little darling. I don't get why people feel the need to blog? Maybe take a big long break. Or if you have the need, write under a psuedonym? You are too young to need to be living so out on a limb, inventing and forging and feeling so much pain for it. Just know what ever decision you make is the right one. You don't have to always be brave. You must take care of you. Cheers, little friend. Valerie
jok2103
· 3 months ago
Lena, I've been reading your blog on and off since I was a freshman in college (currently a senior, and I don't go to Harvard). On behalf of humanity (or at least the anonymous folks who have left you malicious comments), I would like to say I'm sorry. I went through a rough time while attending college myself -- I won't go into the details, but I'll just say that if my baggage were floating out there in the world wide web for all to read, I don't think I could have survived. I still marvel that you have. You claim that it is either your emotional strength or stupidity that keeps you blogging. Lena, I've never met you, but I have no doubt that the reason you continue to dare exert your voice is a testament to your strength. And if it's stupidity, well, then thank zeus for stupidity if it means we can have courage. I hope you keep blogging and writing because it is not worth shutting up to please petty critics. But I hope you are more careful, that you keep your guard up. I hope you are wiser now than to expect "the best in people." The people rooting for you are not always leaving comments. Life is short, and you have lived it more fully and freely than most would ever dare. That is enough to draw envy and spite from readers. Ignore them. They're losers. I hope you keep on writing. I hope you get stronger every day. I hope you keep the happiness you desire and deserve. This feel weird to say to a stranger, but I am very proud of you. Just though I'd let you know :) On your side, Anonymous
Yujin Vasquez
· 2 months ago
Lena,
I really dont know how to put this into words, But I will try.
"Words will always retain their power"
Your gifted and you should not be ashamed of it. Keep writing real posts, thats what makes this blog so unique compared to others.
m.
· 1 month ago
I'd just like to thank you for writing this blog. You truly are an inspiration to college women everywhere.
All Comments
1. It would be helpful for you not to see the world so much in black and white. You seem to believe that the only two options are to lead a very public life or to "disappear." Most of us live in-between. We choose not to reveal everything about our lives to perfect strangers, yet we're also not hermits. You will find that it is a lifelong struggle to determine just how much you can reveal to others, and who is sufficiently trustworthy that you can bare your thoughts and feelings. My own experiences have taught me that it is better to hold back; to reveal my deepest concerns and thoughts only to long-time trusted family and friends.
2. It is natural for you to feel trepidation about re-entering Harvard as a student. That is one brutal place, to put it frankly. I graduated from there long ago, and every time I revisit, there is tension in the air that is thick enough to cut with a knife. How we all survived is a mystery. The only advice I can give you is to put your chin up, keep a stiff upper lip, and remember that you only have two more terms to go. Then whatever you do afterwards almost certainly will be less brutal - which does not mean "less prestigious" or "less rewarding." Just less of a pain in the neck, to put it frankly.
3. I don't think it is a bad thing that you learned that you can't trust everyone. Everyone has to learn this at one point or another in his/her life, and it is always cruel when it does happen. But you pick yourself up (as you have done), learn whom you CAN trust, and go on with your life. It doesn't mean you have to be cynical about everyone or everything.
Best wishes for your new year!
To clarify, when I wrote that I wanted to disappear, I meant to disappear from the web, not entirely. As for cynicism, I don't know if it's cynical or just realistic to anticipate criticism in response to what I write. Though ultimately, it's not criticism that bothers me, because dissenting opinions are to be expected. I'm more concerned about the active efforts on the part of strangers to intrude on my life and to make things difficult for me, my friends, and my boyfriend (all of whom have fielded various violations in privacy over the past couple years, including the publication of things like their cell phone numbers).
I hope none of the above happens again, but I'm not convinced that the upcoming school year will be smooth sailing. Here's to hoping.
I really appreciate your honesty and self-reflection, something that most people do not have the fortitude to engage in. You have paid an awful price for this, it is clear. But, from this post, it is also clear that you continue to be strong --- perhaps even stronger. Do not be dissuaded by the weak-minded who live in fear of who they really are.
All the best to you in your return to classes this fall --- and continue to find happiness in your private life and moments.
You managed to get into Harvard, but didn't have the common sense to not write a blog about your sexual escapades at Harvard? What exactly was the kind of feedback you were looking for? You couldn't have imagined that it would be positive right? I guess not. College is the absolute worse time to make private details of your sex life public. In a bubble with individuals as cut throat and competitive as Harvard, that was probably the dumbest decision a person could ever make, if you didn't want to face people gossiping and making fun of you.
If you would have waited until after you were out of college to write a sex blog, it might have been a smarter decision and would show you actually have an ounce of common sense and good judgement. Life is full of decisions, and you are suffering the consequences of making a hugely idiotic one.
Why do ordinary people insist on having personal blogs for the world to see? Is it because of a chaotic childhood where they didn't get attention? Were they abandoned by a parent and never felt loved? Normal, rational people, don't feel the need to be document their lives for the world to see. More than likely, people who do have personal blogs never got any attention growing up from their peers or their parents and family and thus feel the need to make their private life public. It makes no sense.
As for Harvard kids, I suppose one might be able to predict a not entirely positive reaction but like you said, at a place like Harvard where the best and brightest go, you expect for individuals to treat each other with a modicum of respect. Certainly, even if they have critical opinions to express, you'd think they'd be constructive about it. People have a choice in what they do and in this case, many people decided to act cruelly, not because they were provoked by my oh-so-salacious writing, but because they lacked compassion and maturity.
Right, because "I lowered my mouth over his cock and slid my lips over his shaft easily" is in the same boat as the Song of Solomon. Because describing a drunkenly forgotten condom in your puss is just as gripping as the Steinbeck's Turtle Allegory.
Either you believe your transparent rationalizations or you don't. If you do, then you're stupid. If you don't then you think WE'RE stupid.
If you'd like to have a conversation about this in person, I'd be more than happy to.
If you don't know why someone would write a blog then why would you be reading one?
Sadly, timings of Lena's writings make little difference, if people wanted to brand her in a stereotypical way they would anyway. Rumour vs Actual fact make very little difference, the fact that she was openly writing about it makes little difference.
I'm sure we all know a girl who has slept with <Insert number here> number of men, would her writing about it have made any difference to the way that people chose to judge her. I seriously doubt it. Insecure people will always cast judgement whether based on actual fact or not.
There has never been a time in history where girls are more morally disgusting as they are now. One of the main culprits is all of the moronic girls who think that the way that the middle age whores on Sex and the City acted is how they should live their lives. Give me a fucking break. Shows like The Hills, The City, Gossip Girl, etc all make girls think that acting like whores makes them cool and desirable. How pathetic.
Talentless scum like Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, whatever other whore who has a sex tape and increases their infamy feeds into this in stupidity. Girls are just plain dumb for buying into all of this filth. I have no sympathy for any of the backlash they have to face.
Try to find some class and represent yourself and your family in a positive manner. You will live a much happier life.
Anger is a natural part of the healing process but lashing out at others isn't a desirable trait either.. Good Luck with the healing process.
girls are [...] morally disgusting [who] think that acting like whores makes them cool and desirable.
Typical moralizing, judgmental cattiness. How original. It feels pat to reiterate the inconsistency in our culture in that men are allowed to not only be promiscuous, but are praised when the talk about it, while women are supposed to be virginal until marriage and never enjoy sex. Sexuality is not immoral, nor is it causing any cultural or societal downfall. The demonization of sexuality, specifically women's sexuality, is also a product of Medieval Christianity that has been absorbed into modern American culture - you don't see priggishness like this in most of Europe.
You can try to play the role of strong feminist and take the idiotic point of view that if men can sleep around women can do the same thing. You are just going to ruin your own life. Here on the planet Earth (why don't you try living on it) women who act like sluts are going to have to face the consequences. If you want to move to a different planet and setup your own society where women can spread their legs and get on their knees for any guy then go ahead.
You have to live in reality, not some fantasy world where women who are dirty sluts won't have to face any reprecussions. You aren't the first and you won't be the last person who will be an advocate for this revolting behavior. That is what is unfortunate. Some people are so damn dumb they will continue to be hard headed and continue to bang their head against their wall trying to prove their point at all costs. It doesn't matter if it ruins their lives. They would rather have that happen then live their life in a positive way.
I feel that I must start by correcting you on one glaring misstatement: being a feminist is not a role. I don't have to play at anything when I say that I believe men and women shouldn't be held to different standards in any aspect of our lives. This includes our sexuality.
I find it fascinating that people assume that their own personal frame of reference is always true and applies to all people. The fact that you use the word "slut" so many times shows how deeply you've been indoctrinated by the cultural demonization of female sexuality. The "mocking and ridicule" aren't direct results of Lena's behavior, but rather a result of the meaning we attach to behavior seen as deviant. Your assumptions are, frankly, ridiculous. Lena will never be able to get a job? Are you clairvoyant? I didn't realize that we had such a prophet in our midst. By her own description, Lena's life is also certainly not in shambles. Students do poorly and take time off from college for a variety of reasons, but Lena seems to have things together, and returning to school in the fall seems a good indication that she's on a fairly healthy path.
It's very interesting that your descriptions of female, sexuality are either submissive or passive ("spread their legs" "get on their knees"), which denies female agency within sexual relationships. Your writing gives away more about your view of sex than you probably intended.
Regardless, I in fact do live both on Earth and in reality, and I'm quite happy with both. It's unfortunate that your reality tells you that women who "sleep around" are sluts while tacitly approving the same behavior in men. Sex and sexuality are individual choices and shouldn't be subject to male/female divergence.
By the way, I'm "a wrong"? I'm afraid I'm unfamiliar with that term. I'm also not entirely sure what you think I realize, since your incoherence is somewhat mind-boggling. Am I supposed realize that I'm "a wrong" - because it's hard for me to acknowledge being something that I'm unfamiliar with. If you mean that you think that I realize that I'm in the wrong, then you are quite mistaken in that delusion.
"It's very interesting that your descriptions of female, sexuality are either submissive or passive ("spread their legs" "get on their knees"), which denies female agency within sexual relationships."
What is female, sexuality? I have heard of female sexuality, but I have never heard of female, sexuality. Wow. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. You are a loser. Hahaha.
By your repeated use of "agency" it is clear that you are some feminist butch loser who takes Women's studies classes or sociology classes and thinks that gives you the abilty to talk about this subject with a sense of unfounded superiority. Just because your little class agrees with you doesn't mean jack shit in the real world.
By the way, how is the gay marriage struggle going with the Obama administration? Hahaha. Never in a million years........
It is your blog & you can choose to evict blatant trolls or those who choose to post only to personally insult you whilst still retaining negative inflection comments that actually have good points to make.
But this isn't really about me, is it?
I'm with Lena - let's have this discussion face to face.
Who are you ("you" in the general sense) to enforce how other women may or may not behave?
You clearly have strong beliefs around these issues and for that I applaud you: It's great that you've chosen to live celibate until marriage (otherwise, don't kid yourself, you are a hypocrite). However the "correct" path you have chosen and the "correct" path other people may choose are not one and the same. Kindly respect other individuals who have chosen to do whatever they want within the law.
Is it possible to ever really disappear, though? Won't part of you never want to disappear because you want that high to come back? I have to admit, even though part of the high for me was certainly the boost in creative energy, part of it was also the satisfaction of pushing buttons, fucking shit up.
I hope you don't remain suspicious and cynical, but even if you do, I hope you are as happy as you can be. Given all that's happened, I think it's remarkable you've emerged as sane, chill, and fun-spirited as you are.
I should clarify that I don't intend on disappearing, but I do have passing thoughts about it, and I've been happiest outside of the spotlight. This isn't because I can't deal with criticism, but because I find personal attacks and flagrant displays of misogyny/sexism incredibly disturbing.
Fact: The moment you realized you were gonna need a real job, you nuked your own blowjob blog (zoehassex). You had enough knowledge of the real world (and confidence in yourself) to say, simply, "I fucked up."
If you hadn't done this, you wouldn't be at McKinsey today. You'd be clad in a pair of semen-soaked Spanx, doling out handjobs to a very different class of "clients."
Contrast your realistic behavior with Lena's. Unable to admit that SATI was a fuckup of HUGE caliber, she keeps shoveling the rationalizations and swimming thru denial.
A year ago, when I started at my job, I didn't know what I was going to do with my life and thought it best to keep my options open. Now that I know I'm not going to stay in finance, it doesn't even matter. Also, my company does pretty extensive background checks, and either found nothing or didn't care.
I don't believe for a second I'd end up where you described. You know nothing about me or about the world, for that matter. In fact, it's funny that Autoadmit losers like yourself keep talking about how sluts like me and Lena are never going to get a job, when we are both gainfully employed with respectable companies. I think you need to check your facts - it was Autoadmit's cofounder, Anthony Ciolli, who had his job offer rescinded for doing something that was actually morally reprehensible: facilitating misogyny, racism, and malicious attacks on innocent people.
Hmm...your last paragraph betrays a lack of reading skills. No one ever said you wouldn't get a job. I guess it's just a coincidence that your blog about your Vietnamese hooker fantasies kinda, um, vanished right when you got the job. A coincidence, that's it. Yeah. Whatev. Keep on shoveling sweetie, but don't think you've got anyone fooled...
"If you hadn't done this, you wouldn't be at McKinsey today. You'd be clad in a pair of semen-soaked Spanx, doling out handjobs to a very different class of "clients."
I have poor reading skills?
Obviously, it wasn't a coincidence. I said as much above, but we've already established you're the one with poor reading skills. Just a matter curiosity - did you strike out with a girl or with a company?
I'd wager that many (if not most) of your critics and hateful commenters are just intrigued by or even jealous of you, your honesty, your ability to succeed as a person while still being interesting, your Harvard education...a whole slew of things likely unrelated to the person you actually are. When I first came across Sex and the Ivy, I was a critic (silently; I never left comments) - yet I continued to read your blog and found that you had quite a few insightful things to say. I would never write about my personal life in such detail, and at first was - for lack of a better word - jealous that yours attracted so much attention, when in fact I think your experiences were more or less average (and I don't mean that in a bad way - I mean I think lots of people can relate!). As a fellow Ivy Leaguer, it was fun to read about another girl's sexcapades, and it's also been fun reading about your developing relationship with Patrick. I went a similar route (promiscuity to hardcore commitment), so I appreciated your honesty and openness; few of my friends had the same relationship experiences as me, and hearing that you had similar ones was comforting.
I guess what I want to tell you is: as hard as it may be, please don't take these comments to heart. Everyone has their critics, and while you were putting yourself out there, no one "deserves" anything. Unfortunately, the world is full of cruel people, and it's good you discovered it sooner rather than later. I hope you continue to write, and that you find a good balance between the public & private.
And another explanation I've come up with for all the vitriol: I think people like taking Ivy League kids down a notch, and I can understand that given all the entitlement I witnessed at Harvard. Most of my biggest detractors assumed I came from a similarly privileged background, when my parents are actually immigrants who struggled and still struggle to support large families. The funny thing is that a lot of this criticism was of me leading a seemingly glamorous/wealthy existence when in actuality, I had to work my ass off every term to have the same lifestyle as my college friends. And of course, when I wrote about partying, shopping, going out, people assumed my money was coming from my parents.
The internet has proved that people, given a psuedo-anonymous comment box, cannot be trusted to not act like jerks. You only have to look at the comments section of almost any YouTube video ever to verify that completely unjustified hate is universal.
Not everyone writes about the subjects you have covered precisely for a reason that it does leave the individual open to the sorts of hate that you see (That was a statement, I still consider it unjustified and unacceptable) but that doesn't mean that it isn't important for _someone_ to do it. You may or may not have had a few emails of solidarity, of thanks for sharing your own dilemmas which make it all worthwhile. Those who dare to challenge the norms in any society pay the price of ridicule, you only have to look back through history at the struggles of various social groups.
Whilst I said that it is important for _someone_ to cover the issues that noone else will talk about, that doesn't mean it has to be you. It is equally as important for you to find your own balance between keeping your head down or sticking it up above the parapet depending upon what it means to your own life at that point in time. I'm glad that you're happy again and whatever you do, it's important to remember that whilst you may have witnessed a lot of hate-filled comments you should take strength from the Silent Majority who have enjoyed and benefited from the open frankness in all your postings.
May your happiness continue to exist in the balance!
Anyone would think it was a banned activity - humanity would have had a very short existence if sex had never happened! People are duplicitous generally thinking about it and then getting screwed up because they aren't happy with what they believe is what they should have - too much, too little, if he did this, or she did that if only....
Good luck to you - don't take things too hard and don't believe good in everyone as you'll soon be disappointed!
Anyone would think it was a banned activity - humanity would have had a very short existence if sex had never happened! People are duplicitous generally thinking about it and then getting screwed up because they aren't happy with what they believe is what they should have - too much, too little, if he did this, or she did that if only....
Good luck to you - don't take things too hard and don't believe good in everyone as you'll soon be disappointed!
I'm not a fan of yours, and I've posted nasty comments on your blog before. Now I regret having doing so, not having been aware of the extent of your pain.
I haven't read enough of your posts to have an informed opinion about you, but any allusion to Sex and the City turns my stomach. I find casual sex to be degrading and the advocates of female promiscuity to be outright enemies of society who must be stopped at all costs. That said, I feel sorry for you. Although it was entirely predictable that you'd suffer the animosity you drew out of the world, that doesn't make it right, and I can't fault you for more than naivete. You didn't expect to inspire such hatred, and you didn't deserve it either.
What you've experienced is human nature. It's not pretty. There's a lot of ambient, bitter hatred for female promiscuity (or the perception thereof) and your blog made you a lightning rod for it. The ambient hatred will never go away, and while it may not be virtuous, it's a bad idea to provoke it by making a blog about your personal sex life. Thousands of people who've never met you began striking at you, not because they knew anything about you personally, but because you had become a surrogate target for the slut/whores they went to college with (people who actually had hurt them, unlike you, but who were out of reach to them). People lashed out at you, quite frankly, because they could.
Sex is just an area of life where you've got to hold your cards close to your chest. A woman who describes her boyfriend's penis (or a man who describes his girlfriend's vagina, with details of tightness and moisture) is going to inspire negative emotions in other people, and the consequences (especially on the Internet, where there are thousands of anonymous assholes with nothing to lose) are often severe. It would be a much better world if no one was bitter/angry about sex and relationships, everyone was getting enough and happy with what they got, and everyone could get along and just have fun... but, unfortunately, it's not like that.
Also, your description of the "high" you get from blogging about your sex life sounds like hypergraphia, a generally mild-- but sometimes embarrassingly public-- mental illness involving a compulsion toward loosely-filtered writing. I have a severe case of it myself. (I'm a well-known internet flame artist.) My advice would be not to write publicly about your personal life in any context if you have this problem; in my experience, it's very difficult to maintain enough control to make this a good idea.
-Pwnsive
To clarify a few things, I think there's a difference between "advocating" promiscuity and recognizing that casual sex is not necessarily a bad thing -- or at the very least, does not lead the the consequences that abstinence advocates claim. I could care less about the decisions other women make about sex (whether they have it or not) but I think it's important that women don't feel like choosing to have sex makes them dirty sluts.
As for the "high" I referred to, I actually don't think it was related to the very public blogging since I'd previously experienced similar phases when my writing was not read by anyone other than a couple friends. The huge creative output at the time (as a result of some personal events) just happened to find a convenient forum.
The ability to state an opposing opinion without being dragged into personal judgement is what puts you in a higher commenting class above almost any other commenter so far (positive commenters included).
And don't excuse your previous nasty comments with hypergraphia. It's not a disorder that compels hurtful attacks on other people. "Flame artist?" Please.
When I first commented, I thought, like you did, that no one would care about me enough to engage in ongoing, malicious harassment. We were both wrong. People do things on the internet that they would never dare do in real life because they're too scared to. Online, there is no one to police them, and they don't have a human face staring back at them as they destroy someone's sense of self. I'm no psychologist, but it makes me wonder if a lot of these trolls have been abused themselves, and, instead of taking their anger and pain out on a partner or child, they take it out on strangers on the internet. These are people who, at least physically, cannot fight back.
Regardless, there are good people at Harvard who do actually care about you and don't wish you ill. Admittedly, I know more grad students than undergrads (who are mostly very intense in a way fewer grad students are), but many of the ones I do know are good people.
check yourself into a rehab
I just stumbled onto your blog last week and let me say first of all, I love your writing! I admire your courage to delve into a subject that's considered taboo by much of society. Whether casual sex is ultimately beneficial or harmful...I don't know yet, and it's definitely not my place to judge what other people do. Regardless, it is quite fun to read about. Also it's comforting to know that there is definitely a dating scene at Harvard!
In fact I'm going to be a freshman there in a month, and I was wondering if you could offer any advice about life there. In this post and the comments, I feel like it's described as a really brutal and competitive place, so I'm curious to hear your take. If you have any words of wisdom with respect to the social scene, maybe things you would say to yourself as an 18 year old, I would love to hear them. Thank you so much!
As far as comments are concerned, I am saddened by many of the things I have read here. As someone who also has suffered from depression and lonliness, my heart breaks for the pain you have felt--and it is overjoyed at your present happiness. As someone who wrote a handful of angry IMs to you...not about your writing or your blogs, but about wanting to make a new friend and communicate more often...I am truly apologetic. Depression and lonliness make one angry, and when no one seems to understand, the anger just bursts. But all in all, I think that you are a stronger and more insightful person for what you have been through...and I think the same of me.
Best wishes and I know you'll get through all the BS and leave the detractors by the roadside.
At this point it's too late to take back what's already happened--don't waste your time thinking about those who with no substance, only negativity. I admire your willingness to share openly & eloquently. Your life is your life--live it the way you want to. Just do what makes you feel alive & happy...
I've actually never read your blog - I was just pointed to this entry by a friend. My uncle, Justin Hall,* went to Swarthmore in the mid-90s when the Internet was just getting started, and had a personal website on which he did things like, well, tell detailed stories about his sex life (and the personal lives of everyone in his family, to their great dismay). Listening to him talk about the responses he received - individual, professional, and societal - is harrowing. But although he discontinued his blog about five years ago, he still talks about it as one of the most rewarding things he's ever done. All of which is just to say that I'm sorry for what people have put you through, but that I hope you'll come to look back on it the same way that Justin does - as something that was ultimately rewarding and invaluably educational, even if the lessons learned were not always pleasant ones.
-Gideon
*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Justin_Hall; http://links.net/vita/
Just know that some of us think you are fucking awesome. Don't keep writing for those of us who think you rock; take care of yourself, as that is what's most important. But know we're out here, fighting the haterade too.
It's cliche, but you cant please 100% of the people 100% of the time. Do what you need to do for yourself.
I don't know you personally but I just wanna hug you for what you've been through.
Life is never easy.
In the end I'm glad that I did it, and I hope you are too. You're a much more expressive and entertaining writer than I could be on the subject, and your strength should be applauded. Most people have no idea how horrible it is to be hated by a faceless mass, where you feel unable to defend yourself. I'm pretty sure my hate group is still up on Facebook, even though I've graduated. Don't let them stifle your jeu de vivre!
I just started reading your blog, although I'd been hearing about it for years. I want to thank you so much for creating & maintaining this blog and hope you will continue to do so and that its readership will expand. Even its very existence is serving an extraordinarily valuable purpose, especially in the sexually conservative societies (the US being high on that list) that we all live in. I hope people will learn to appreciate their sexualities healthily, that "promiscuity" is just as acceptable as lifetime monogamy so long as they are respectful, honest decisions; that gender-unequal words like "slut" or "nympho" (sorry, I know you used it in your title) disappear or are used only jokingly and for both sexes; that sex stops being a way for us to demonstrate our personal worth, whether it be saving ourselves like commodities for someone or using it in "conquest" to fulfill emotional insecurities, but rather that it is a complex expression and fulfillment of our emotional and physical selves.
Anyway, I should go back to reading a few more of your posts, and I look forward to the updates and any books that you may end up writing. All the best to you & take care!
Best,
Elisa
Wow, I just found your blog, and wow. I can't believe the cruelty of some people. I sure disagree with a lot of your choices, but I cannot fathom the kind of person who would come here and attack you so viciously. Those people must have an awful lot of self hatred to direct such vitriol at another person. I wish you luck in rebuilding your life at Harvard, or failing that, getting the hell out of there, and starting a new one.
First, I think if maintaining a blog is therapeutic in some way for you, or if it serves as any kind of outlet, then that is great. I think you are bold in sharing your thoughts and opinions with other people.
I wouldn´t take anything any one has said about you or your actions personally, especially if they do not know you. In our daily lives, we try to give off an image that we think best represents ourselves, or who strive to be, and sometimes certain aspects rub people the wrong way. You might never know why; it could be one of those intangibles. Others project onto us who they think we are, based on their experiences and existing social norms. And we do the same to others. Your true friends would not judge you, and I hope you have at least one of those to provide you with honest feedback. After all, true friends stab you in the front, right?
You have great opportunities at Harvard to pursue your interests and talents, and I would focus on trying to make the most out of those while you can. You get to go to college once. Why not make the best of it?
I wish you the best of luck in the upcoming year.
Cheers, little friend.
Valerie
I've been reading your blog on and off since I was a freshman in college (currently a senior, and I don't go to Harvard). On behalf of humanity (or at least the anonymous folks who have left you malicious comments), I would like to say I'm sorry.
I went through a rough time while attending college myself -- I won't go into the details, but I'll just say that if my baggage were floating out there in the world wide web for all to read, I don't think I could have survived. I still marvel that you have.
You claim that it is either your emotional strength or stupidity that keeps you blogging. Lena, I've never met you, but I have no doubt that the reason you continue to dare exert your voice is a testament to your strength. And if it's stupidity, well, then thank zeus for stupidity if it means we can have courage.
I hope you keep blogging and writing because it is not worth shutting up to please petty critics. But I hope you are more careful, that you keep your guard up. I hope you are wiser now than to expect "the best in people." The people rooting for you are not always leaving comments.
Life is short, and you have lived it more fully and freely than most would ever dare. That is enough to draw envy and spite from readers. Ignore them. They're losers.
I hope you keep on writing. I hope you get stronger every day. I hope you keep the happiness you desire and deserve.
This feel weird to say to a stranger, but I am very proud of you. Just though I'd let you know :)
On your side,
Anonymous
I really dont know how to put this into words, But I will try.
"Words will always retain their power"
Your gifted and you should not be ashamed of it. Keep writing real posts, thats what makes this blog so unique compared to others.